And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I am going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark," said the Lord. And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications.
"OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall but Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. There was no Ark.
"Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me. I did my best. But there were big problems."
"First I had to get a building permit for the Ark and your plans didn't meet Code. So I hired an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. In addition, my neighbors claimed I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission."
"Then I had a big problem getting enough wood because of the save the Spotted Owl campaign. I had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the Owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So no owls. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls."
"Then I started gathering up the animals and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed Flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe."
"Right now I am trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I am supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets claiming I am trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.
The sky cleared. The sun shined and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.
"Wrong!" thundered the Lord. " I fully intend to smite the Earth, but with something far worse than a Flood."
"What's that?" asked Noah.
There was a long pause, and then the Lord spoketh his Last Word:
"Government!"