My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?

Please leave a message. I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner!

Greetings! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, my owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.